Intro: Around October 2005, I found my wife and daughter at loggerheads daily because the latter was evidently goofing off, and not studying hard enough. Their daily arguments kept my wife in a foul mood, and made my little girl feel hunted.

It was on one such heated evening that I butted in.  I swore that unless something changed around here, textbooks and notebooks would go flying out of the window. That created instant peace. Then I said that we had to have one of our dad-and-dottir talks, pronto.

I knew the problem already. (That's right! I'm a domineering, opinionated MCP bully, and I don't believe that families can be run by the same methods as parliamentary democracies or cooperative housing societies. Feel free to clobber me for that... but save it for some other time!) The problem was over-scheduling. My girl had said yes to too many activities. Talent searches, extra classes for high-level maths and Hindi, and optional art exams, badminton coaching... and maybe a couple of other things too.

Add to that the psychological pressure of being monitored by a very hands-on mom, who knew better than my daughter what she should be dong at any hour of the day.

My reading was: There were no margins in the kid's life for goofing off, slacking, daydreaming, whatever. And she's got an active imagination that expresses itself in unusual sketches, but there was no time for that either. But there were little sketches in the margins of all her textbooks, and on the back pages of all her notebooks... Sometimes angry, sad and rebellious.

And then she wrote a poem, which I reproduce here.

A Bed of Liquid Roses

I write of me, I write of my fate
Something that never happened to me till date.
I lie in agony, in a mass of red
It seems like my death-bed.
I cry out to someone, to someone I call
Will I live to see tomorrow, or will I live at all?
My condition I hope you will not see
For if you do, in shock you shall be.
A limb broken, and a broken skull
Everything is suddenly going so dull.
I dance, I dance in wonderful poses
But now I lie in my own bed of
Liquid Roses.


She wrote this poem in February '06, and from a purely aesthetic point of view, I was delighted. But from the psychologist's standpoint, I heard a warning signal. Especially because, my friends, this delightful crazy child of mine had never before attempted poetry, and is yet to write another one!

By the way, she used to be prone to anxiety attacks just before school, although she was a top ranker throughout.

And she has occasional attacks of migraine, which she stoically weathers out without drugs, sympathy or tears, in a quietened, darkened bedroom.

She's a serious person with a wicked sense of humour and some instinctive views on life. I believe she needs space to grow, and not pressure to excel.

And so, in October '05, I put my talents of hell-raising and indoctrination to work on a serious project: cutting her loose and setting her free.

That day, walking, talking, climbing and sitting in the National Park, we talked for three or four hours and reached an agreement, a set of conclusions. And then I asked her to sit back and let me be her lawyer and represent her before her mother. "Just stay firm and back me up", I said.

"No, Dad" said my daughter. "I'll talk to Mum. I don't even want you in the room when I talk. I won't cry, I won't go under. You stay out," she said confidently as we neared our house.

She talked. They talked. It was surprisingly quiet, amazingly bloodless, and the transition from overburdened, anxious schoolkid to happy, rambuctious, confident teenager was so smooth, so devoid of incident, that I can only look back and marvel. In retrospect, I wonder how I can even claim credit for this transition!

Be that as it may, I'll write here about the philosophy of taking control that we discussed on that memorable walk, and how this philosophy has only recently begun to cast deep roots in my own life.

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Each of us has two aspects. We are each a two-in-one person. There's an 'I' who is the doer of action, the taker of decisions and the one who gets the credit or blame for everything. And then there's 'Me' who is the one who feels satisfied or dissatisfied with the outcome of any particular action, any interaction with people or the world, any set of events, any situation or circumstances.

'I' is the active principle of selfhood, the doer. 'Me' is the passive principle, the experiencer, the feeler.

This active-passive principle is largely reflected in the structure of our language. eg. "I enjoyed the ice-cream" refers to an act -- the act of enjoyment. 'I' performs the act. However, you can put it like this: "Eating ice-cream leaves me feeling satisfied and happy". Now you're not talking about an act, but an experience. 'Me' is the recipient of the experience.

Samjhey? Are you with me so far, blogger-buddies?

'I' has limited influence on the way 'Me' feels. Quite often, there's a disagreement over what one purports to experience (and to purport is an act), and what one actually experiences. In other words, there is often an I-Me descrepancy.

For example, if one has an argument or quarrel with someone. Typically, 'I' may keep saying triumphantly, "I told him off. I showed him who's boss!" In other words, one may keep on trying to maintain that he or she "won" the argument. 

But to know the real picture, check out with the 'Me'. Is 'Me' happy with the outcome? If so, then 'Me' would generally move on to other experiences, because life goes on. But most of the time, arguments disturb the 'Me', who experiences the sensations of a loss. As a consequence, one has a constant internal chatter between 'Me' and 'I' trying to reconcile their differences. Generally speaking, internal chatter is a symptom of unhappiness, or at any rate, internal disturbances.

Some people are never really free of internal chatter, in which one part of us plays accuser/questioner, and the other part explains and justifies itself. Many of us are locked up in such self-justificatory internal chatter, which continually drains us of the energies that could be more fruitfully used. I speak from experience because I spent a substantial part of my life in this mode.

(I'll address this problem of internal chatter in another blog, if my friends are interested. But meanwhile, let us continue with the main discussion -- understanding the principle of 'I' and 'Me', and using this principle to re-engineering our own lives.)

'ME' THE DEEPER DOER

On the surface, 'I' is the doer and 'Me' is the experiencer. However, there is a deep under-surface current: 'Me' is an amazing doer! Connect really deep to this reality, and you discover your own internal God.

Let us understand 'Me' as the deeper doer of all things. It's quite simple, really.... It's like having a clever child inside you. When , for instance, you learn to drive a vehicle, 'I' is the part that consciously presses the clutch, changes gears etc. For the first six months or so, 'I' stays in control of the driving, and it's a conscious, tiring experience, where all you seem to be doing is making minor mistakes while successfully avoiding major collisions.

And then, at some point, you realize that driving has become automatic. 'Me' has taken over the job. Now 'I' is free to do other things. Over time, if the early lessons have been sound, driving can
become effortless and very finetuned.

I don't write. I may sometimes decide what topic to write on, but 'Me' is the one who actually dictates the words, and takes command of the hands as they type the words. There are times when I'm dragged by 'Me' to the computer, and told to switch it on, and just shut up and get out of the way.

I'm not a good writer or thinker. I just get a lot of credit for stuff that happens elsewhere; believe it or not, I'm the delivery-boy! Yeah, I'll take some credit -- for knowing when and how to shut up and stand aside, because that takes some serious learning. Yeah, and I'll take credit for editing the article after it's written, looking for spelling mistakes and tweaking the article sometimes without screwing it up.

Because (and here, any number of other writers on the iLand like Sandy and Trishna will bear me out on this) when 'I' and 'Me' have a basically harmonious relationship, one is a good writer, and an empowered human being besides. And on days that they are having a bad relationship, and cannot agree to disagree, 'I' keeps getting in 'Me's way, and one gets a seizure of Writer's Block.

And, going through other people's blogs, I'm struck by how little good writing has to do with being linguistically super-endowed (like myself, for instance; don't ever accuse me of false humility!), and how much it has to do with believing in what you write and writing exactly what you believe. A lot of people write in so-so English, but some of their posts take your breath away because their thoughts and feeling just leap out at you from their words!

Ok, so this I-Me harmony applies not just to driving vehicles, and to writing, but to various processes of thinking and living.

THE 'ME' IN MY DAUGHTER

Now here's what I told my daughter, and here's what I try to increasingly put into practice in my own life: Be the best friend to your 'Me'. Don't live your life trying to please other people with your behaviour in the process of seeking their approval. Such approval is trivial, and does not deeply satisfy you. Studying hard may make your mother and teacher happy, but ask, does it make you -- your 'Me' -- happy or unhappy?

Learn to listen to the 'Me' in you. Learn to listen to yourself. Deep down, are you crying? Are you angry? Are you feeling outraged and bottled up and helpless? If you are, then no amount of currying favour with the people in your life -- be they ever so important as your parents, your teachers or your best friends -- will satisfy you. Their approval, if it comes, is not just worthlesss; it is positively harmful and dangerous, because it distances you from your inner 'Me', your inner God. Learn then to seek their disapproval by seeking approval from your inner God.

Think of it in this manner: There is a small creature within you that cries out for warmth, love and friendship. That is your 'Me', which God has entrusted to you and you alone. This is a sensitive and emotional creature that is helpless because it is unable to reach out to the outer world and draw sustenance if you are uncooperative and unresponsive.

What are you going to do now? Are you going to listen to the voices of outsiders and keep disregarding its puny voice? Because if that's what you do, it's voice grows weaker and smaller, and this creature shrivels up and curls up within itself. It becomes bitter and unresponsive. (On the other hand, if you empower it, it can be a huge, powerful, beautiful thing, like a stallion.) 

But you know what? If it shrivels, it fucks up your happiness big-time. Because my friend, it is the essential you! You can't be happy unless it's singing happy songs inside you! And no matter how much people may say you have succeeded, it will not give you its approval, because you have betrayed it by selling out to the world.

If you're feeling frayed by the stressfulness, the barrenness, the shittiness of life in general, don't blame the world. Blame yourself for being a bad friend to your best friend: 'Me'. Blame yourself for not standing up for 'Me'.

And so I told my daughter: "Listen to your 'Me'. Are you feeling good there? What does you 'Me' say? Should you be doing all those subjects, all those activities, all that homework? Or should you be doing something else, where there's more self-satisfaction? Where there's more in it for the 'Me'? Who's your 'Me' -- a mathematician, a scientist or an artist? Or just a fun-loving person? How many hours are you spending with that 'Me'? No time at all? Then what are you doing with your life?

"You may postpone some amount of your pleasures to make your future secure. But not all of it. Not even a major part of it.

"You are a kid. You need to lead a kid's life...They have passed strict laws against child labour, but they have not passed any legislation that prevents schools and parents from working their children to death in the name of excellence! I'm asking you to be bold enough to be your own best friend and start living a kid's life. Fight with anybody and chuck anything that stands in the way of that! Those are your inalienable rights; so stand up and fight for them!"

TURNING THE SCALPEL ON MYSELF

And you know what? I'm currently learning to walk my talk. I've realized over the past few months that I've been putting my mind through some serious nonsense, just like an overburdened schoolkid. I've realized that I've not given myself permission to be who I am, and seek what I want most -- the company of people who are like me inside. There's a lot that I want to share, and I've been keeping it all inside, bottled up.

I've been earning the approval of my family, and a bunch of clients who warmly praise my language skills and more-or-less pay what I bill them, as long as I use my skills for their benefit. The number of clients has grown steadily over the years.

If someone asks, I say, business is good, health is good, family is good, but I don't know if my life's so good. And they laugh and say, "Hey, if business is good, don't complain! You're in your prime! This is the time to earn money! You can enjoy after you retire."

And I smile outwardly and say, yeah. But inside, I'm crying out, "Fuck you! I'm in my prime, and you ask me to keep slogging like a donkey in the hope of some illusory future happiness after all my senses have faded and my dick hangs limp? No way!" 

Of late, I'm out looking some serious disapproval. I've been disappointing some clients and stretching deadlines, on purpose. I've been actually trying to get some of them to say, "Sorry, dude! NO can do!" I tried saying no to them but these clients wouldn't listen. And then

I've been conditioned by my decade in the business to think that my contacts are my main asset. They are crucial, no doubt about it. But they are not my main asset. My mind is my main asset, and my mind has been fucked to a state of numbness with the sheer volume of information that I pass through it.

I tried telling my Dad that I'm overloaded to the gills, and he's like, "Don't refuse this assignment. It's prestigious. Don't look for any more new assignments, but don't turn down this one. New business doesn't come easily."

Of late, I've begun giving myself permission to fail. Fail as a professional and businessman. And maybe fail in other capacities also -- my personal capacities as husband and father and son. These things are integral to who I think I am, and so the thought of failure deeply scares me.

And yet I see how much I've failed myself as an individual... how much I've betrayed my 'Me'. I see how much divergence there is between the man I am inside, and the man I'm perceived to be outside. I see the life that I had promised myself when I grew up, and then I see the life that I've gradually built around myself over the past couple of decades.

I'm respected. Business is good. The money is good. My family is good. My health has never been better. Good prospects lie ahead.

Then why do I feel like crying? Why does the prosepct of my current life extending into my 50s and 60s fill me with such terror that one day, more than a year ago, I shouted at my wife, "If I find myself doing after another five years what I'm currently doing, I swear I'll throw myself before a running train!"

Something is crying out... And that something out is Me.

It's only in the last few months that I've learned to talk the talk... Since I started writing a journal with the outpourings of my own brain. Until then, there was a silence within me, occasionally shattered by outbursts and fits of destructive rage. All I talked about and wrote about was what Chambers of Commerce, Consulates, Mutual Funds and Rotary Club's were doing.

I claimed I was happy. I even believed I was happy.

In the process of writing this journal of my thoughts (memories of my childhood, thoughts about the nature of God and something that I call Entities), I've become increasingly acquainted with Me. I've come face to face with Me.

And I see that I've let myself down quite a bit, in the process of being a nice guy.

Back in college, I used to say to myself, "If you have the honesty to be yourself, you'll attract the society of others who are like yourself." I used to believe this. I still believe it.

I see I'm surrounded by people who are not like myself. My fault, because I realize now that I've not quite been myself. I've been someone else. I've been masquerading, living a lie, and I'm paying the price.

Time for a change. I re-engineered my life once when I was in high school, going from the "serious guy - professor" persona that I grew up with to "jolly guy - clown" within weeks. It had energized me to do much with my life back then.

So it's time for some re-engineering again. Time to push and shove at the walls of my life, and see which ones come crashing down.

Because I need to make room.

Room to do all the stuff I had promised myself growing up.

Room to be the person I had promised myself I would be.

Room to be with the sort of persons that I had promised myself I would be with. 

Promises that I've postponed fulfilling for too long. Far too long.

Things have to change. Little adjustments won't do the job. Things have to change in a big way.

I'll have to make some people around here very unhappy in the process. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I NEED to do it.

I'm busy setting up the trigger points that will make things start happening pretty soon.

Pretty soon, it'll be like Hellzapoppin!

Watch this space.